April 03, 2005
In which she passes judgment on others, officially!
So, guess what…I am now a reviewer! Yes, I get to pass judgment on others, and it somewhat counts for something! In essence, I will be doing what I normally do, but now other people will be reading it. (At least other people than those who read what I write here.) So if you would like to check it out, my very first review is now up.
I was listening to Dar Williams the other day, and for some reason I heard something that I guess I just never paid attention to before and it really made me think. This “epiphany” came to me while listening to End of the Summer and there is a line that says, “There are just some moments when your family makes sense”. And it just hit me how true it is. For all the times that my family drives me crazy and all those times that I don’t understand how it came to be that I know these people at all, there are just times when it is so clear why we are all together. And it’s never like some really brilliant, poignant time when amazing things are happinging. Some Monday’s (when we have these huge family dinners...it’s all a little too too Cleaver) I’ll look around the dinner table and we’ll all just be eating whatever my mom made and talking about the most inane topics, but all of a sudden I realize that we are definitely supposed to all be together. And sometimes it is even more innocuous than that. Sometimes we just click, and there is no rhyme or reason but we belong. And I think that is one of the most powerful feelings in the word. That feeling of knowing that no matter what happens, these people can’t escape you. They belong to you just as much as you belong to them and there’s really nothing anybody can do to change that.
I’m not sure how long this feeling of goodwill toward my family will last, but it seems to be fleeting because I’m sure by tomorrow one of them will have done something to completely piss me off. I guess the good news is that starting at 12:00:01 am on April 5, 2005, I will legally be able to go out and drink them into oblivion. I’m still not all that excited about it, but it’s nice to know that in a little over twenty-four hours, I will at least have the option.
Jessica and I were talking on our way home from dinner with the boys the other night about friendships and relationships and how much everyone has changed in the three short years since high school, and it really got me thinking about how lucky I am. At least when it comes to my friends. When you think about it, most people only ever have one really close friend in their life. One that they can tell anything to and one who will not pass judgment on them and one who they stay friends with for years and years. And in my life, I have been blessed enough to have four people who fall into this category. I think back on all the time I spent in middle school and even high school trying to find out who I was and where I belonged and I just want to kick myself. I wish I had been able to have the insight and, I don’t know, clarity to find that what I truly needed were people that allowed me to be myself, no matter what that meant. On one hand I feel like I wasted so much time on people who were not at all good for me, but then I feel like ahd I not been through any of that awful, awful time, I wouldn’t have gained anything, and I might not be who I am today.
I know that I am not a perfect person. In fact, I know that I am far from it. But honestly, when I think of who I am today, I wouldn’t change anything. I know that there is a lot I still need to figure out and a lot I still need to work on, but I don’t have any regrets about what I did during high school and middle school. I hated middle school, I don’t know anyone who could say any different, but I survived. I used to think I hated high school, but the more I look back on it, I realize that barring a few incidents during freshman and sophomore year, I had a pretty good time. And I wouldn’t change any of it.
I don’t know if all this therapy is working or if the sun is just shining in my brain today, but I feel good. Which, I guess, is more than I’ve been able to say in a long time. And more than just feeling good, I’m looking forward to life and all it’s possibilities which is definitely a big step for me. I guess it’s not just your family that sometimes makes sense. It appears that there are some moments when life just makes sense.
zappagrrl at 10:18 p.m.