March 09, 2005
In which she has a dilemma
I have a dilemma. I am torn between doing something that feels like it would be good for me but might hurt someone else, or not doing to save someone else and potentially hurt myself. I just do not know what to do. I know that, for me, this seems so right, and like something that I need to do. On the other hand, I know that doing it is going to cause someone else some very hurt feelings. I guess I don’t want to feel like I am attacking them unjustly.
It’s not like I’m talking about punching somebody in the face, although it might cause them less pain if I did just walk up and punch them in the face instead of attacking them, which is, I’m pretty sure, what my actions will amount to, to this person.
I want to discuss my feelings with someone, and try to get them to understand some things that happened in the past but I want to do it in a way where I don’t seem petty, or spiteful or hurtful in any way. Which I know is impossible because how do you tell someone that they contributed to your unhappiness without hurting him or her?
I have this innate need to avenge wrongs that have been perpetrated against me, not in any physical way, but I still have the need to be completely and totally honest to avoid being walked all over, or to avenge those times in the past when I have been completely walked all over. And being in that type of situation, one that puts me in a position where I have been or will be walked all over is for some reason, in my book, a mortal sin. I just have this need not to let it happen to me.
I just feel like for my sanity, and for that part of me that needs justice, I need to confront this person, but the side of me that doesn’t want to purposefully hurt anybody I love tells me that I should just suck it up and go about my life without mentioning it to them. But I feel like if I do not address the situation I am just setting myself up for it to happen again.
I honestly value this person and their friendship, but I feel like this thing that happened overshadows all of the good memories that we had together. But I know that they have no idea that I am so upset about this and I don’t know if they even remember it happening. And it’s not like it was a million years ago, it’s pretty recent history, it’s just that I don’t know that it ever entered their consciousness as something that might have been important to me.
I just feel like no matter what I choose, I am going to end up getting hurt either way. I guess the real question is, do I speak my mind and potentially lose the friendship of someone very close to me, or do I swallow my feelings and only cause myself mental anguish?
It seems as if I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t.
zappagrrl at 8:09 p.m.