March 08, 2005
In which she misses days gone by
I was out driving the other day and I passed by that billboard that marked the turn to Gale’s house, so I turned down the road on a whim to see if her old house still looked the same. And it did. Everything about the house was the same, even the mailbox. I do not know what I was expecting, but it was all wrong. Everything was wrong. I do not know why. I guess so, so much has changed since I last saw the house that it feels like everything else should be different too.
I have to remind myself that it is me who keeps changing whilst everything around me stays the same. Life goes on, and time keeps on rolling by, but everything else remains the same, oblivious to those who came before.
It is almost worse that the house remains the same because that means if things had been different, everything else could have been the same, maybe just older. The fact that it still remains, unchanged means that its still there, that it can be visited again. Except that it cannot because everything is different and nothing is the same except for the house itself.
It seems that there are only two possibilities in this life. Either everything is familiar, or nothing is. I can remember, as a child feeling like everything was familiar but new at the same time. I think we spend the rest of our lives trying to recapture that feeling but maybe it is not possible. Once we have experienced life through the eyes of an adult, even just once, it is impossible to go back, impossible to recapture that “child-like innocence” we once had. Maybe that is what makes us so cynical and pessimistic as adults. We know how things used to be, and we also know that it can never be that way again. But for some reason, that does not stop us from trying. Everyone wants to look younger, feel younger, be younger. But nobody realizes that inevitably it is impossible because all were left with is history. And that is all life really is, history; a series of moments that in the end add up to just history. And today’s moments are tomorrow’s history.
And yet, that history, those moments turned to memories, are what destroy us.
Marc is mad at me because I called him an asshole, but in my defense he was being, well an asshole. He was being an asshole; am I supposed to pretend that he wasn’t? He has totally been driving me crazy lately. Which I HATE. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. But that is not possible. I just feel like I’m in this impossible position when it comes to Marc, because no matter what, first and foremost I’m Jessica’s best friend and it seems like that impedes on whatever relationship it is that I have with Marc, even if I don’t want it to and there’s nothing I can do about that. Sometimes I have this feeling like we are not even friends anymore. Or something, I do not know. It is like he is not just Marc anymore, he’s Jessica’s boyfriend Marc. We never hang out, just the two of us anymore. And I mean, it has been, I do not know, over a year for sure, since we have. I do not know if we can go back to that anymore. I do not think we can. Because I am Jessica’s best friend and that means, I do not know, I cannot be Marc’s or something. It is so weird, because we were so close. Like inseparable close. And now, everything has gone egg-shaped. I just do not know what to do. I guess I did not realize how much everything has changed. I was deluding myself in thinking that it had not. I guess I have always been too honest when it comes to Marc and maybe I should be considering his feelings more. Although, I do not know that he has ever been that considerate of me. I feel so selfish even thinking about any of this stuff. Like I should not be thinking how everything affects me, I should be looking at the bigger picture. But what if looking at the bigger picture means I end up being kicked in the face? I think most of all, I just miss my friend.
I quit my job. I lasted about a week. I just could not handle going there every night. I hated it. I felt like I was starting to slip away again. Every time I would go in there, I could not help but think, “I don’t belong here.” And I do not. I do not belong there. I do not belong with those people. Lifers. Like in prison. And it is so not work $5.25 an hour to fall down again. I guess I was worried that if I fell I would not be able to get back up again. I have not told Mom yet. She just does not understand. The more I think about it, the more I realized that she does not understand me at all. And she probably never has, or never will.
I am just so afraid of slipping away into depression again. I feel like it is a monster lurking around somewhere inside me, just waiting to attack again. And no matter how good I feel today, or tomorrow, I still feel like anymore it could all just go away.
zappagrrl at 1:21 a.m.