March 03, 2004
In which she (almost) relinquishes control
I never thought I would find an invention better than Diet Coke with Lemon. That is until I tried Diet Coke with Lime. It’s like Diet Coke with Lemon, but better.
I finally got around to trying the Natural Citrus Listerine. However I made the mistake of trying it right after brushing my teeth with minty fresh Crest. I got that orange juice and toothpaste flavor but like fifty times worse.
Sometimes I think If I wasn’t so worried about being happy, I might actually be happy. My psychologist recommended two books to me that she said will help with my stress and anxiety and hopefully my depression. They are both by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. who is the Director of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. The first book is called Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness and the second one is called Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. I had a kind of a breakthrough last night while reading Full Catastrophe Living. I think it was something I already knew, but I guess hearing, well reading, someone else say it was like a slap in the face almost. The passage follows:
There are no drugs that will make you immune to stress or pain or that will by themselves magically solve your life’s problems or promote healing. It will take conscious effort on your part to move in a direction of healing and inner peace. This means learning to work with the very stress and pain that is causing you to suffer.
I feel like I should have read this book like five years ago. I feel like my life would be so different if I had. But then again I probably shoyuldn’t dwell on wht has already been. Those are things I cannot change and dwelling on them just makes me miss what is happening right now. It’s not about living for the moment, it’s about living IN the moment.
I was watching Jaws today and I decided that I never want to be eaten by a shark. Not that it was that high on my list to begin with, but that would be a seriously crappy way to die. Not that there are that many stellar ways to die or anything.
I need to learn that I can’t control everything all the time. I want to reach a place in my life were I feel okay if I’m in a situation where I can’t be in control. In school whenever we would have a group project, I would assume a position of leadership. I used to think it was because no one else would, so I’d just step up and fill that position. I don’t know, it was something I was good at. Guiding the direction of the project, delegating responsibility, controlling everything. I’m beginning to suspect that all that leadership was a way for me to take control of the situation and stem the amount of things that could or would go wrong. I could also ensure that things measured up to my standards. But then again, I don’t think that it’s necessarily that bad of a thing. I mean, why not take control of the things that I can have control over when there are so many things that I have no control over?
zappagrrl at 8:23 p.m.